Letters to Lorin: #5 – On Parenting

Dear Lorin,

It may not be that obvious now because I am still working on it.  I do intend to be the best mother you could ever wish for.  I don’t know exactly how yet but I have some ideas.

I want to raise you to become independent, strong, full of self-confidence and with high self-esteem.  I want to raise you to become someone who can stand on her own two feet, make wise decisions and stand behind these decisions no matter what.  To not be someone who always seek for approval and worries about what other people will say before making a move.

I want to raise you believing that you can be anything you want to be.  Because it’s true.  I want you to have dreams and to believe that you can achieve them.  I want you to keep your fearless attitude and to continue being determined in getting what you want.  The world is full of unfulfilled dreams and underachievers.  It will break my heart to see you not reach your full potential.

God gave you the ability to turn your dreams into reality.  Everyone is given this ability.  It’s just that they let things get in their way.  They let doubt and fear reside in their minds and hearts.  They let events, situations and people stand in their way.

I sure am not going to stand in your way.  You can expect me to encourage and support you.  I will believe you and your dreams.  I will be there for you because I am a dreamer too.

I haven’t achieved all my dreams yet.  I am not living the life I am dreaming of yet.  You are my reason for not giving up.  Because I want to show you that it can be done.  And I will do it.

I don’t know the perfect formula for parenting.  I am still finding my way.  Some are obvious ones, some are not.  This I know for sure, sometimes tough love is necessary.  I will not spoil you.  Even if I can, I will not give you everything you want.  I can assure you though that you will have everything you need.

You are very impressionable.  It’s true what they say.  That no matter what we tell you to do, it’s what we do that you emulate.  Your father and I are constantly asking ourselves why did she do that?  where did she learn that?  And the answer is almost always “from us”.

I believe that every act done and every word said to a child by a parent or by other adults around her, no matter how young the child is, affects her.  This is where my mommy guilt comes in.  Sometimes, I unwittingly embarass you in front of other people.  As an adult, I know how it feels to be embarassed by a loved one in front of other people.  It hurts.

From here on, I will not do or say anything that will put you down.  Even in private, I will not do it anymore.  No matter how insignificant it may seem to others or to me at that time.  Now, I know better.  Belittling you because you’re “just a child” affects your self-confidence and self-esteem as you grow up.

From here on also, I will not agree when people say, “Oh, she’s shy.”  I will not put that label on you.  How can they expect you, these people who are strangers to you, that you warm up to them immediately?  They’re strangers after all.  Even adults are slow to warm up to people they do not now.  Adults!  We sure are a weird bunch of people. =)

I am very wary of people with whom you associate with.  I don’t want you to be exposed to people of certain types.  Especially those who think that children should be seen and not heard.  Those who are not aware of how impressionable children are.

You are only three years old.  I have only been parenting for that long and I take parenting very seriously.

I want us to have a great mother-daughter relationship.  I want you to be open to me.  I want you to know that I will listen and not judge or criticize you.  I want you to grow up secure in our love.  I want conversations and laughter.  I don’t want shouting matches and power struggles.

I take full responsibility on how you turn out as an adult.  I believe that everything starts in childhood.  I want to actually be the one to raise you.  I am very grateful that I work from home and can actually raise you myself.  To watch you grow, learn things and explore.  To be there when you have your “kids say the darndest things” moments.  It’s such a joy to be around you.  Most times.  He he.

However, you have to understand that I cannot always give my full attention to you.  I cannot wear mommy hat 100% of the time.  It isn’t healthy anyway, for us both, if I focus too much on you.  To do so is to rely my whole being on how I am as a parent.

I have to take care of myself to be able to take care of you better.  I’m my own person too.  I have interests.  I need time to read books, write on my journal, write some more, and be quiet to reflect and think.   These activities energizes me.  Clears my head.  Rests my heart. I also have work to do around the house and related to my my job.  I cannot take on the role of a mother 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Parenting advices, solicited or otherwise, come my way.  There are so many different ways to raise a child.  There is no single parenting method that works.  There are even  conflicting ideas on the proper ways of parenting.  Read books, do your research and observe parent-child relationships.  Make a decision and stand behind your beliefs on how you are going to raise your own child.  And make corrections along the way.

Your father and I may not always agree on how to raise you properly.  But our intentions are the same.  We love you and we want what’s best for you.

Love,
Mommy